We love those who know who we are

We are in love with someone who, it seems, understands our essence, says psychoanalyst Jacques-Alain Miller. Thus, the partner helps us to accept ourselves as we are. Jacques-Alain Miller: Yes, a lot, because it is in the analysis of love is its driving force. I mean the involuntary feeling that the patient has to his analyst - the so-called transfer. This, of course, not true love, but she had the same mechanisms, and they are identified in the sessions of psychoanalysis: we experience the love of the one who, we think, to understand who we really are. Learn more with our online video chat blog.

And this love for real?

JA M .: To love truly is to believe that loving someone, we know the truth about him. We love our partner, or the one who conceals the answer (or one of the answers) to our question: "Who am I?"

Why do some people know how to love, and the other don’t?

JA M .: Some men and women are able to call to his love: they know what a "button" should be pressed, so that they fell in love. But they at the same time does not necessarily fall rather play cat and mouse with their prey. To love, one must admit that your life is not complete, that you need the other person that you do not have enough of it. Those who believe that they are self-sufficient and can be completely alone just do not know how to love - they do not know of any risks of love, nor her enjoyment. Sometimes they say it and suffer from it.

"The fullness of life in solitude" – only man could think like this...

JA M .: Exactly! In the words of Jacques Lacan, love - is to give the other what you don’t have. In other words, it’s about to recognize that you don’t have something, to share this "something" with other. This does not mean to give him what you own - things or gifts; it means to give what you do not possess that something outside of yourself. And for this it is necessary to recognize your incompleteness, 'castration' as Freud said. And this is, in fact, tending to the woman. In this sense, it is really possible to love only from the perspective of women. Love feminized. That is why a man in love is always a little ridiculous. But if he was embarrassed, afraid to seem ridiculous, it means that in fact he is not too sure of his male power.

In this case, love of man is more difficult?

JA M .: Oh, yes! Even a man in love can experience bouts of disadvantaged pride, show sudden bursts of aggression in relation to the object of his love, because this love makes it "flawed" dependent. That's why it can pull a woman he does not love: so he once again finds himself in a position of strength from which to romantic relationships, he departs in part. This Freud wrote, referring to the splitting of the love life of a man of love and sexual desire.

What about the women?

JA M .: They tend to split in the perception of the male partner. On the one hand, it is - a lover of pleasure, they feel attracted to him. But he is also a man who loves, feminized this sense, essentially castrated. More and more women prefer masculine position: one man, the house - for love, the other - for the physical pleasure.