I lie to my partner

Why do we do it? People often can’t understand the reason why they hurt their partners. Family therapist Andrew Marshall tells five keys that will help clarify the motives of deception. I admire your courage: you for sharing your story with others and many people work are not recognized in a similar even to them. Remember this when you find in my answer to something unpleasant. I will use your story to consider the 5 most common causes of cheating. Learn more with our video chat with strangers blog.

1. Unbelieving is the only reason

You may well hold your version: "I took care of my wife, but did not like her", but the reality is never so simple. Even in such a short letter you inadvertently point to the second reason: your desire to please others, to avoid conflicts, passive-aggressive behavior. I wonder why you hate the conflicts that are ready to go to any destruction, just to avoid them. I believe that the reasons for this fear to be found in childhood. And I would like to understand why you are so uncomfortable proximity (maybe she even scares you). In general, when it comes to change, it is necessary to talk about "the complex motivation", that is, the combination of several factors.

2. The grounds of fraud often in us than in a partner

No one likes to get the skeletons out of the closet and stir unpleasant events of the past (for example, to recognize that our parents do not always acted with the best intentions). Where calmer translate the focus on someone else. Guess who we choose? - Our partner, of course. It is easy to say, "You don’t love me anymore" or "you're do nothing good for me," because our culture is focused on divorce, but criticize his mother (even for a moment to allow this possibility) - almost blasphemy. However, I'm not going to blame the mothers (or fathers) because useless reproaches. But I urge you to find the courage to look deep inside yourself and ask how I became a man? Treason always says more about us than about our partners.

3. You need a quick solution

You are bored, lonely, you are far from home. We'll have to make an effort to find a fun activity and learn how to be alone with ourselves. And you need a quick solution. Warning other women will help you feel better by as much as five minutes (!). However, then you start to feel guilty, and it incurs any illusory hopes, and soon everything will once again ends mess. It would be much better to try to establish contact with your wife and talk heart to heart, having discussed the situation, which bring you discomfort and find a compromise - instead of having to do smile at each other, angry and thereby justify your latest affair. Of course, to change and to develop a new style of relationship is difficult, it destroys the usual stereotypes, but I believe that you will find the courage, which, incidentally, have already demonstrated, by writing this letter: the process has begun!


In fairy tales, movies and songs, love always saves the day. And many people think that if the relationship does not develop, it is not in our inability to properly communicate and discuss their differences. The fact is that "we are not made for each other." We rush to look for a simple solution, and very soon find someone else. Elementary! This principle we can meet in pornography: more and more contacts, "perfect orgasms" to improve the time-being and endow life with meaning.